screwing up the best thing ever is something you'll regret forever.

I should be writing poetry right now, but i'd much rather write in this.

I wish you'd quit telling everyone about us. All you want is sympathy and I'm not going to lie, it's kind of pathetic. Everyone feels bad for you, anyway. They don't need you begging for it, but if thats what you do, theres a word to describe you... pathetic. I hate how you say those little comments directed towards me, or Helmet Hair. You like to pretend you don't try to make us feel horrible, but you do. Like today at lunch when you said "Phillip doesn't know depressed. oh shit, shouldn't have said that." THINK before you fucking talk, then. Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do. You're trying to make it so that I don't like him and that he doesn't like me. Sure, I'm terrified that you'll somehow work you're way into it and make it so he doesn't, but I can tell you that he makes me happy and you're gonna have to try a whole hell of a lot harder then you are.

By the way, thanks for telling Ryan what I said. It really helps to know that I can tell you how I feel without it being spread to the person I said it about. I don't enjoy getting comments on myspace saying "Stephan said you told him I'm not agknowledging your existance." Thank you.

Last night my mom told me I need to do what's best for me. But it seems everytime I try to do such a thing I end up hurting the people I love the most. How is it possible that the best thing for me is also the worst? A few people have told me not to worry about you, or Phillasauras, or Rye...but I do. I hate hurting you, and them. I know this whole situation isn't easy for any of us, but I wish you would be more understanding. Put yourself in my place.

I do that, by the way. I put myself in your place, and I cry myself to sleep at night. I never meant to hurt you. You may not, but I mean it when I say I want you to be happy. Yesterday you were getting there, and it was one of the best days I've had in a while. I had you back as my friend, and I was getting so much closer to getting what I want. I probably sound so selfish. I'd feel worse, I think if you were being mature about it.

You've got control of me, is this the end of me?