love is a battlefield.

it's like i'm tiptoeing my way along, trying to avoid those situations that always seem to blow up in my face. 

but i'm sick of running and hiding for cover. I want to take it like a woman, no matter how much it hurts. I want to cry when i'm sad, and laugh when i'm happy. i want to know the difference. I want to accept whatever happens, and face it head-on. 

I want people to continue coming into my life and affecting me in ways I'll never understand. Once I get comfortable enough to show them the real me, they'll turn away just like everyone always has. 

everyone. except one.

pathetic, I know. the only person i have left is also my soul mate. who would've thought? But I'm terrified. What if he just hasn't paid close enough attention. what if he really isn't my soul mate at all. what if I love him, but the affection doesn't go both ways. I mean, he says it does, and I believe him. I want to believe him. God, I have to believe him. but what if...he doesn't know the real me at all. what if he finds something better, and throws me to the side like a used tissue. I don't think he would. Not in a million years. But I didn't think my "best friend forever" would do it either. Forever means nothing. it's just a word. nobody even lives forever, so how can anyone stick by me for that long? But for right now, I love him. God damn it, I love him. I've never felt anything even remotely close to how I feel about him. All the good, mixed with the bad. All worth it. I'd cry my heart out everynight if it meant he'd stick around. I need him. I need to feel those things he makes me feel. He makes me feel alive, for the very first time. Alive. None of that fake, "i'm so happy that it's discusting" shit. Or the "life sucks, kill me" shit either. But truely alive. My head is always spinning, and my mood is constantly changing. I can't even keep up. How the hell am i supposed to expect anyone else to?

I understand now. I know why you walked away and I don't blame you. If I had the choice to be my friend or walk away, i'd do the same thing you did. Glenn's crazy. So crazy. But I love him. God, I love him.

Today: nothing lasts forever. You have to take the good with the bad, and keep your head up through all of it. Life is a rollercoaster, but if you hold on with all your might, you just may get off safetly. Or at least thats what I'm hoping.