we're all looking for something

to take away the pain.

I've realized I have some serious trust issues. I think that's why I find it hard to believe people when they say they love me. Or maybe it's because I don't understand how someone could love me. I build up walls to see who cares enough to break them down, and so far nobody has. One's close. So close. I want to believe him, and sometimes I let myself. But then I get to thinking, and it destroys me. I think it hurts him, too. He thinks I don't trust him, but he's wrong. I trust him with my life. With my heart. It's his. But that's the part that scares me. I'm giving him the opportunity to crush it, but trusting him not to. I do love him, more than anything. I wish I knew how to show him that. I wish I knew how to explain to him that I need proof. I want him to care enough to want to break down my walls. He's trying. I can tell. But I keep building them higher. I wish I knew how to stop. I wish I could pull them down on my own, and let him in.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this has nothing to do with that. Maybe deep down I know that he's better off without me, and I'm just waiting for the day that he realizes it too. When that day comes, and he leaves, he'll take my heart with him. But maybe if I stay this way, he'll leave a little piece with me. Please don't break my heart, Glenn. I can't do this without you.

today: I want to start believing in people. I'm going to try, starting now.