Sometimes I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I'd rather have it in the palm of my hand.

Because after all, you're my wonderwall.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Help. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like everyone has this massive hatred towards me all of a sudden, and I really don't know why. Sometimes it's too much to handle. I can only take so much. Please, stop throwing your daggers. My heart has had enough.

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

I realize you don't care anymore. The feelings you used to have aren't there. I ruined it. I hurt you, I know. and I'm so sorry. There are no words I could say to make you understand. No ways to show you how much I really am sorry. But you should know that I still have feelings for you. They aren't the same, but they're just as strong. I hurt you, Glenn. But I hurt myself too. I live with it everyday. The agonizing pain in my chest everytime I think about what I did to you. I thought it would be better by now. I thought maybe I would forget after a while. Or maybe I thought things would work themselves out, so I gave up. Like you gave up. I'm sorry. Don't give up.

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

I hate how you've changed. I can hardly look you in the eye anymore. Your not the same guy I used to know. But I'm still the same girl. I find out everything. You should know that by now. So when were you going to tell me that you get high all the time? And when are you going to tell me why? Does it make it go away? Does it help you forget about me and everything we used to be? Because I've got to tell you, I've tried just about everything to make this throbbing in my heart disappear. But not that. I won't sink that low. I'm better than that. I thought you were too. I know you are better than that.

Because maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me...

Oh, Nick. I can tell you're trying. You're trying so hard to understand how I'm feeling. You're there for me, no matter what. I tell you things that I know you don't want to hear, and I cry my heart out in front of you over another guy. It must kill you. I'm so sorry. You deserve someone whole enough to give you her entire being. I'm sorry that I can't do that for you. I'm trying, I really am. It's so complicated. I want to tell you everything i'm feeling. I know you would understand. But the problem is, I don't know how to say it. I don't understand why he still gets to me after all this time. I don't understand why all I can feel is pain when I think about him. I don't understand why it's so hard for me NOT to think about him. But you have to know that I love you. I really do. You're the best friend that I've ever had and I can't thank you enough for everything you've done for me, and everything that you're still doing. We'll get this, sooner or later. Slowly but surely, baby. I'll come around. I'll be whole, and I will be yours. I promise. Please don't give up on me.

And after all
you're my wonderwall.

Sometimes, when you look me in the eyes, I forget. About everything. You take all the hurt away, with just a look. I don't know how you do it, but it keeps me alive. You keep me breathing. You're the reason I get out of bed in the morning. You honestly have no idea what you've done for me, just by listening and letting me cry. It takes maturity to deal with something this complicated, and just the fact that you're trying makes me love you even more. Thank you. So god damn much.

Today was gonna be the day
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

I know I messed everything up with us. I know you changed because of me. But I was just watching out for myself. I'm selfish, and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I don't know what's harder; knowing you don't care anymore, or thinking that I care too much. Even after all this time, I can't forget you. Everywhere I go, something is there to remind me. Remind me of you, of us. Our past. It was short, but it was sweet. We'll never get it back. Maybe that's what I'm having a hard time grasping. You were another significant chapter in my life. One that has changed it forever. I don't know if I should thank you, or hate you for that. Maybe both. So thank you Glenn, for everything. For our amazing story, even though there was no happy ending. But I think I found my happy ending. I hope you find yours. You'll always be my thunder.

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Nick. I know this is probably really hard for you to read. I know this whole situation is hard for you. I'm sorry that I put you through this. I really am.

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after an
You're my wonderwall

My heart is broken. But you knew that going in, and wanted it anyway. I think if anyone can fix it, it's you. You once told me not to doubt you. And I won't. Ever. I love you.

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

You're gonna be the one that saves me.

Have you ever felt like the whole wide world is just spinning out of control? Like everything you've built up is just crumbling down?
Lately, it seems like my life is just one big rollercoaster. Without seatbelts. Like If I take anymore up's and down's, I'm going to fly right off the ride.

Sometimes, honestly...I feel like giving up. I feel like letting go of that rollercoaster, and flying off. I hate feeling like that. It's terrifying, and it disgusts me. I'm stronger than that. Since when do I go down without a fight?

what hurts the most,

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

--Ten Things I Hate About You"

"A smart girl...

kisses, but doesn't love
listens, but doesn't believe
and leaves, before she is left."

I've realized that all guys are morons. They flirt with us, and steal our hearts, and then when they get what they want (we all know what that is), they treat you like nothing. They don't understand that girls have other needs-not just sexual ones. They don't understand that sometimes, we want them to touch us every where BUT our "privates". Give me a back massage, and don't expect anything in return. Rub my feet without me asking you to. Buy me a god damn flower, for no reason. Look me in the eye and tell me you love me, but only if you're 100% sure that you do. Don't flirt around, and make sure you tell me that I'm the only girl for you. PROVE IT. Don't say you'll do anything for me, unless you're willing to give up everything.

I've also realized that all girls are NEVER satisfied. We could have a guy that gives us the world, but we'd complain because we want the entire universe. You could do all that stuff I said above, and I still wouldn't be happy. I'd find more pointless shit for you to do. Here's a fact: I will always hate your ex. Don't talk about her. And I'll probably even ask you to stop talking TO her. Terrible, I know. I'll be the first to tell you that I'm overly jealous and sometimes I can be irrational. But it shouldn't matter. If you really love me, it won't matter.

I don't have everything figured out. I don't know what I want. Please, just give me to time to find myself again. Is that too much to ask?

I'm having the day from hell.

it was all going so well(before you came)
And you told me you needed space, with a kiss on the side my face (not again)
And not to mention (the tears I shed)
But I should have kicked your (ass instead)
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream

'cause baby everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up, where do I start?
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart.

I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME IF I'M OKAY. especially when I'm obviously not. If you don't care enough to talk to me, don't fucking ask. go away. leave me alone.

My dog is my best friend. When I cry, he sits and cuddles. Everyone else tries to tell me everything will be okay. He knows it won't be. But he's there, and he lets me hold onto him. He lets me take his picture when I'm bored. He is the only male that hasn't broken my heart. He is the only thing that has never failed to love me 100%.

today; A friend is someone that walks in when the rest of the world walks out; my dog is that friend.

People suck. End of story.

YOU. fuck you. you don't understand. you never did. you never will. you'll never even fucking try to. Girls aren't objects. We have feelings, and you probably shouldn't fuck with them. You want to know how I really feel? Well, I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to flirt with you, until you think you got one more bimbo on your trail, and then i'll really tell you. I'll lead you on, and let you say things to me. And then I'll tell my boyfriend those things, and you'll get your motherfucking ass kicked. and I, will watch. and I, will laugh. You are the sickest piece of scum on this planet. How dare you think you're better than me. How dare you think i'm just another one of those girls that will suck your cock and smile while you talk about a different girl doing the same thing. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.
the funny thing? you think i'm into it. you believe every god damn thing i'm saying to you. you dumb, filthy, god damn son of a god damn bitch. ha.

YOU. fuck you too, so called "best friend." You don't deserve her. You don't deserve anything you have. I hope you get cancer. Maybe then you'll appreciate your mom. Maybe then you'll realize what a complete ass you are. You promised. You promised you'd never hurt me. You said you'd always be my best friend. You lied. I hate you. How could you do this to me? to her? to him? to everyone? Keep smoking your weed, kid. If that makes you feel better. Keep drinking until you pass out if that makes you feel like you're better than me. Keep fucking up your life, and pretty soon your parents won't love you either. Then you won't have anything on me. Then I can make you feel like a piece of shit. thank you, for making me hate you. I finally know the real you.

YOU. are the most amazing human being on the face of the planet. I can't tell you how much you mean to me. I take you for granted all the time. I feel myself giving up on this relationship, and it kills me. sometimes I can't feel anything at all, but then you touch me and I'm happy again. You always know exactly what to say at exactly the right time, and I can't get enough. I love you. More than anything. Thank you for giving me the look you used to give me when I knew you loved me back. Thank you for making me forget about everything else. Thank you for giving me another chance.

I'm baaaaaaaack.

this goes out to you, bitch.

First off, i'd like you to know that i don't give a flying fuck about how you feel anymore. You think what you want. You want to think I was the one that called Gj's and brought up Dan, go ahead. But I wasn't. You want to think I meant it when I said you looked like a whore? Fine. Doesn't bother me a tad. But I didn't. You want to hate me? Go for it. I'm not a big fan of you either.

Second, keep my name out of your filthy mouth. Nobody wants to hear about how I'm "mean to you." I don't even talk to you. How am I mean? I have better things to do than go around and tell people about what a bitch you are. Hell, half of them already know anyway. You want people to hate me? Does that make you feel better about yourself? That's cool. Grow up.

Third, Kaylee was my best friend before she even met you. You can think what you want about me, but let her form her own opinon. And everyone else too. Let them experience my bitchiness for themselves, they don't need to hear it from you.

I'm done letting your ruin my life. You're not even a part of it anymore. I wish you never were. I wish you could read this. Then you'd show your little cult of Boomer's and have them hate me too. But whatever. I don't need them either.

today; I finally expressed my hate for you in words. Next step- telling you to your face.

Back Again.

Dear over protective parents,
In case you haven't noticed, as of February 20th, 2009, you're oldest son has a girlfriend. Nobody really cares if you like her or not. Nobody cares if you'd rather him be with some bible humping, God-loving, blond bitch. He's eighteen god damn years old. He's not a baby anymore. You're making him hate you. You're making ME hate you. So what if he doesn't have a job yet, or a C in a class? He's accepted into college and is actually better off than you say he is. He's in love. SO WHAT? Aren't you? YOU may have gotten in trouble in high school, but don't assume that he is. We're both virgins, believe it or not. He's not doing anything illegal, or anything that any normal parent wouldn't approve of. You're not letting him live. You are making him hate you. But you don't even care, you inconsiderate dick. I hope you know that at LEAST 3 times a week i get a text or a phone call saying "my dad is a complete asshole. i want to leave." How are you gonna feel when he DREADS coming to see you on the holidays? How are you going to feel when he has children but they HATE you almost as much as I do? How are you going to feel when you break us up because I CAN'T STAND YOU? MY family is better to him than you people. He hates you. I FUCKING HATE YOU. You have your own lives, he doesn't need you running his.

today; found an AWESOME used book shop downtown with Baige. Love it. Love her.

Fuck my body. Everything hurts.

Got a slurpee. I hate slurpees.

Whoa.

I can do this from my phone now? that's fucking cool.
seriously. now when I'm bored out of my mind and everyone else is busy living, i can sit and write on this.

why are all my entries so damn depressing now? I mean, really, I have nothing to complain about. Sure, sometimes my boyfriend and my family get on my nerves and I feel like my entire world is falling apart, but honestly...it always ends up for the best. Take me and Glenn for example. Everything between us is better than ever, even after all the fights and bitching. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a overly jealous, control freak. But I can't help it. I mean, I'm only human.

I haven't written in a while. But now that I have this on my phone, I can update DAILY!!! hahaha

Update numero uno; I have a job. A new job. At pirates cove. The Flap got so mad when I told them that they've called me in once, and then told me they don't need me anymore. HA. Soooo, needless to say, I quit.

Update numero dos; My body is all effed up. I get a headache when I wake up and it lasts throughout the day, and doesn't go away until I finally fall asleep. Also, when I get hungry, I'm either starving, or I just feel nauseas. So, when I do eat, I feel like I'm gonna barf it up.

Update numero tres; I'm out of updates. My life pretty much consists of the same boring stuff. Work, bonfires, boyfriend, work, movies, swim, work, shopping, babysitting, work, sleep, read. That's my life in a nutshell.

well, I better go get ready. I have to pick up Glenn at 4:30 from P.Cove for our very first date!!!!! haha, dinner and a movie ON HIM! holy crap, I can't believe it.

today; I can blog from my phone. Life is sweet.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

of the throbbing pain in my chest every time i hear you say her name. i don't know why i'm all of a sudden a pyscho, jealous bitch. she's not even pretty.

you know what else i'm sick of? staying up until 5 am because we had another fight. i'm sick of you leaving even when you know i'm dying inside. i'm sick of your dumb ass parents who treat you like a fucking two year old instead of a soon to be 18 year old.

i'm sick of missing you. when you're gone, i feel like somethings missing. so when you don't make an effort to hang out, you don't know what you put me through. but the worst part is, i don't think you care. at least, you don't show it. you don't even make an effort to pretend you care.

i'm sick of not believing you. i wish i could.

i'm sick of all my blogs being depressing and stupid rather than filled with joy and love like they used to be.

today; I finally figured out that I'm going to be okay.

Honestly?

YOU'RE A BOOB.
I hate having a job.
I wish you would understand.
I wish you would care enough to understand.
I want a REAL best friend, forever.

today; I love life, but it sucks.

love is a battlefield.

it's like i'm tiptoeing my way along, trying to avoid those situations that always seem to blow up in my face. 

but i'm sick of running and hiding for cover. I want to take it like a woman, no matter how much it hurts. I want to cry when i'm sad, and laugh when i'm happy. i want to know the difference. I want to accept whatever happens, and face it head-on. 

I want people to continue coming into my life and affecting me in ways I'll never understand. Once I get comfortable enough to show them the real me, they'll turn away just like everyone always has. 

everyone. except one.

pathetic, I know. the only person i have left is also my soul mate. who would've thought? But I'm terrified. What if he just hasn't paid close enough attention. what if he really isn't my soul mate at all. what if I love him, but the affection doesn't go both ways. I mean, he says it does, and I believe him. I want to believe him. God, I have to believe him. but what if...he doesn't know the real me at all. what if he finds something better, and throws me to the side like a used tissue. I don't think he would. Not in a million years. But I didn't think my "best friend forever" would do it either. Forever means nothing. it's just a word. nobody even lives forever, so how can anyone stick by me for that long? But for right now, I love him. God damn it, I love him. I've never felt anything even remotely close to how I feel about him. All the good, mixed with the bad. All worth it. I'd cry my heart out everynight if it meant he'd stick around. I need him. I need to feel those things he makes me feel. He makes me feel alive, for the very first time. Alive. None of that fake, "i'm so happy that it's discusting" shit. Or the "life sucks, kill me" shit either. But truely alive. My head is always spinning, and my mood is constantly changing. I can't even keep up. How the hell am i supposed to expect anyone else to?

I understand now. I know why you walked away and I don't blame you. If I had the choice to be my friend or walk away, i'd do the same thing you did. Glenn's crazy. So crazy. But I love him. God, I love him.

Today: nothing lasts forever. You have to take the good with the bad, and keep your head up through all of it. Life is a rollercoaster, but if you hold on with all your might, you just may get off safetly. Or at least thats what I'm hoping.

God damn it.

I have nothing to write about anymore.
I have a boy that occasionally takes my breath away, but then turns around and rips my heart out.
other than that, nothing inspires me.

Life is getting bland, and i hate it. I want the excitment back, and I want the stress to go away.
I want to stop crying myself to sleep. I want him to want me the way he used to. I want him to prove it. I want all the people I used to love to come back. I want my friends back. I want my happiness back. I want a job. I want something to get my mind off of him when I know I'm off his.

I want a bestfriend. One that I can call and talk to all night. One that will listen to my ranting, and actually understand it. One that I'm constantly with, without it bothering anyone. One that won't believe the bullshit, and one that won't give me any. I just want someone to talk to. Someone that won't walk away when I need them the most.

But you know. You can't always get what you want.

Today: My happiness is temporary. I can't seem to keep a hold on it.

random.

People are so dumb.

• If a guy breaks your heart once you shouldn't go back. I don't care how much you love him, and how much he says he's changed. Chances are he hasn't, and you'll get hurt again.
• Just because you're older doesn't make you better. Sorry seniors in mentoring, but you're not cool, and you don't know everything.
• I always want you to talk to me, even if I'm mad. I always want you to hold my hand, and hold me. I always want to hang out. I will always have questions. I will always love you.
• Life isn't so horrible, kid. Cheer up, look around you. You have people that love you, and you have so much to live for.
• You don't have to lie anymore. We all know you're sick. We all accept you anyway, the way you are. Gay, straight, depressed, anxious, confused. We love you.
• I wish you could be happy for me. I'd be happy for you. I'll always be here, bestfriend.
• Just because you have two girls now, doesn't make you awesome. No matter what your brothers tell you. You're going to turn into a loser, just like them.
• Cause if you jump, I will jump too. We will fall together from the buildings ledge, never looking back on what we've done. We'll say it was love, cause i would die for you on skyway avenue. I miss you.

today: "that's what you get for falling again, you can never get him out of your head."

I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world.

From the moment you said hello
my heart was yours
whether you knew it or not
i was sitting back thinking
thinking of you
over the years i met you over and over
learning something new each and every time

and now i think i know you
you hate any kind of tea
the killers make you scream
and your favorite flowers are yellow Tulips
so its like im giving you yellow tulips
that will last forever

every thing about you
is perfect, even though you say your not
your eyes are the prettiest brown
your hair is the smoothist smooth
and your smile
it could light up anybodys world

and now i think i know you
you hate any kind of tea
the killers make you scream
and your favorite flowers are yellow Tulips
so its like im giving you yellow tulips
that will last forever

the perfect day is when im with you
and someday i hope everyday is perfect
ill be the envy of the world
ill be the envy of the world
ill be the envy of the world

and now i think i know you
you hate any kind of tea
the killers make you scream
and your favorite flowers are yellow Tulips
so its like im giving you yellow tulips
that will last forever

this song is for you
its called Yellow tulips
and its from the bottom of my heart
this is the only way i could think of showing you or telling you
how i really feel way down deep

Yellow Tulips
Yellow Tulips
Yellow Tulips

and now i think i know you
you hate any kind of tea
the killers make you scream
and your favorite flowers are yellow Tulips
so its like im giving you yellow tulips
that will last forever

These are for you

Today: Glenn wrote me that song. 'Nuff said.